Have you ever wondered why some conflicts tear relationships apart while others become the doorway to deeper understanding and connection? In this episode, I'm joined by my longtime friend Phyllis Olins, who shares a remarkable story of how gratitude, self-awareness, and a powerful shift in perspective can transform even the most difficult conflicts into opportunities for growth. If relationships matter to you as they do to me, you'll want to stay with us for this fascinating conversation. Welcome to Break Free from the Burnout. I'm your host, Dr. Anastasia Chopelas, physicist turned energy healer. I'm here to help you make the quantum shifts to release the hidden blocks to your success. Your next breakthrough starts now. this is my guest, Phyllis Olins. We've known each other for a long, long time, 57 years. I think we met about 1969. Right. That's great. Right. So it's been a while and we've both had our ups and downs and one thing that, Phyllis has done is she's done teaching so you can tell your story, but teaching, and she is now doing conflict resolution. And when's your book coming out? It's September 23rd of this year, so 2026. It's very exciting. Awesome. Awesome. So she has a book coming out in September of this year. And let's just, Phyllis, can you explain me why you got into this and how you got started? How I got started involves, somebody named Mrs. Luna, She's a person who showed up at my front doorstep because her children were living in my home. My husband had left and I was raising my daughter by myself. And my experience of that family was unique in that they presented a whole new paradigm to me. I have a way of being with life. So when they pick their mother up at the airport, it brought her to my front door, and they had gone to the beach earlier and she had jumped, Mrs. Luna had jumped into the ocean in her dress so that when she arrived at the front door, she was dripping wet, and she had the presence of mind to apply her coral colored lipstick. And she was the mother of 16 children. So I was, they were telling me that the mother was gonna be coming, and I, I was happy to have her visit, but I couldn't imagine I was referencing my own relatives at that age. But I, all I could imagine was some. Poor, you know, altered person. Anyway. She showed up like Sophia Loren with laughter and joy and with 16 kids. And you can imagine that without a lot of means, without a lot of ability in their lives to create anything but survival. And yet she brought into my home such joy. And at every turn there was, um, Bendito sea Dios, which in Spanish means praise God. So I was going through a difficult time in my life and she would ask me questions like, how was your day? And I would say it was fine. Ah, Bendito sea Dios. And it went from there with every five minutes was  Bendito sea Dios and I pretty much over time learned that that was a choice, that she was willing to praise everything, especially when life was difficult, Uhhuh. And so, it was because of her that I learned. I actually went to the beach. I thought, what can I do now? I thought I'll go fly a kite with my daughter, who was two at the time, and we tripped over the legs of somebody who was the, head of the education department for the United Nations. Wow. And he asked me, are you going through a conflict by any chance? And there began a relationship that lasted to, to this day. And his training in ways of being with conflict was so unique, but all based on gratitude and an energy that you teach Yes. And that you're very familiar with. Yes. Um, so understanding that it's more than a conversation of, I hear what you're saying, or any of these tropes that are, you know, handed out like pablum, you know, like, as if that would make a difference. And it's a much more profound, radical approach to a way of being with life more than just conflict. it's, something that I learned and then used professionally for 30 years within a school district. And so, and now I wrote a book about those experiences and, and how that can maybe work. For other people too. Awesome, thanks. Yeah. I've been reading your Substack, your Substack letters and I was just so taken with the way you went through, wove through the story and how the conflict could get resolved without. The typical strife that happens, people wanting to be right. So my experience is people wanting to be right all the time creates a lot of difficulty. People being afraid of being wrong, people being afraid of what other people think of them. Yeah. You know, all of those issues create so much conflict in any situation. And the other one is money conflict. That's a big one. Oh yes. That's huge. Yes. one of my questions that I always ask is, what does alignment mean to you? You have a clue. So for me it's that you are in with your inner integrity. That what you say, what you do, what you think and what you feel is, is all together. I think I had a really good example of alignment, of watching a way of being that's graceful, that literally infuses the environment with something hopeful. in 1969, my mother and father moved from Chicago, Illinois to the Los Angeles area, a beach town. And I was, new in the school as a senior in high school. So without a friend in the world, I walked into campus and there were many people that showed up in a very kind way. It was a lovely school, actually, South High in Torrance. There was one person who was so ready with friendship and creativity. And laughter and insistence that I was part of the community that I was, um, I don't think I had one experience of feeling lonely or lost because this friend. Somehow we were on a tennis team together. I think we lost every single game that we played. I don't think we did. No, no. We were partners. No. Our coach said, I don't know how you've done it, but you've lost every match you played. So, um, but we had fun. We did. And um, of course Anne was the genius in our high school and went on to graduate school. Um, where did you study? Where did you get your PhD? Oh, I got my master's from Caltech and my PhD from UCLA. Yes. So, um, it wasn't that, that I could keep up with her in any way possible, but, um, but her sense of humor and kindness was so aligned. In other words, um, body, mind, and spirit were always so graceful and easy for Ann. And I, I'm probably making it sound like she's super human, but um, I'm not, but our friendship has lasted through the years because there's maybe we were just lucky, but there's always been a deep affection. And to me, when you want. You ever, I think we all have these experiences where you bump into somebody and you really notice that there is an energy about them that is just, it's such a relief to be in their presence because, um, they are filled with wellbeing. My experience of that though, since you've asked what alignment to me, it really is, it's very much an experience of being connected to one's true self. Yep. And so the journey to that, has, there are many ways of approaching that conversation and through many spiritual paths, but body, mind, and spirit all united, is something that takes, in my experience, some discipline and some awareness. And so those things can be taught and learned and you've devoted your life or these last years you've devoted to that study. So it's pretty exciting. Yeah. The last 13, going on 14 years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So again, this is really remarkable to me that when we got together, we, we came to the same restaurant. Trevor's At The Track. Yeah. in San Juan Capistrano. Halfway to our houses, it's midpoint. So, um, but when we were first here, when Ann started talking to me about what she's been up to, I looked at her and I thought, this is just remarkable because we're almost speaking the same language, which is that wellbeing. And so, yeah. What fun to get together again. Yeah. Because you were overcoming, uh, not a great diagnosis and. I was surprised because you were vegan for so long and, and yeah. And I also overcame something, but far earlier I was 42 when I was so sick. Mm-hmm. So having to overcome something, a health issue, puts your life into perspective. Always, yeah, always put your life into perspective. So things that I used to worry about that used to feel hard are actually not big deals. Yeah. Right. The important thing is your family, the people you love, and, uh, your relationship's most important. So that's why conflict is so important to resolve in a good way. Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. So what's the name of your book? It's called The Conflict Crunch, How to Turn Conflict Into Opportunity. it is a eight step process that involves journal writing in the morning and, and taking a look at using some of the tools for conflict because regardless, in my experience, is that we can have body, mind, and spirit all set up. But, um, that Mike Tyson quote that is everybody has a plan until they're punched in the face or something like that. And it, it's really my experience that life, we, we are always learning and because we are imperfect, because by definition we are imperfect as humans, there's always gonna be an opportunity to learn. Yeah. We're all works in progress and, and it comes by way of, you know, truth comes in blows, you know, where you just get hit upside the head and suddenly you have this situation that, from all appearances, is impossible. And with, um, I feel very fortunate that I got the training that I did in taking a look at, at understanding how the mind works, the binary, yeah, I want this, but I have that, taking that, dissecting that, and then actually finding the juice in both sides of that is, is what my book, uh, yeah. So offers. So that's interesting 'cause the, the body actually works in a binary system. Oh, right. So there's always an agonist and antagonist in the body, right? So you have insulin and glucagon. Insulin pulls the blood sugar out and puts it in your cells and the glucagon pulls the blood sugar outta your cells back into your bloodstream. So your whole body works like that. So it's interesting that the mind also functions in the same way. Yes. It just, it really does. And then it, it, it does this sort of like, um. Because we're programmed by our egos to, to play defense. It. Where does your attention go? You know, I got a lovely lunch with you, but, you know, and then all you, well, all any human hears is what happens after the but. We focus on the negative part and, and that really throws us out of alignment, to use your word. It really throws us off because, you know, next we have 30 kids in the classroom who are wonderfully, you know, thrilled with the lesson. And this one kid that didn't get it or didn't jive with the whole thing and it's like, oh, you're, all of your attention goes on that because of course, because you focus on the negative. Well, and then also, and we have to learn how to focus on the positive. Well, that, and the, that's a hard skill. Yes. Yes. And, and it's not a bad thing that we're focusing on that. I mean, I don't mean to make that wrong, it's just that to, to find the really what would be miraculous in that moment? What would really make it so that you could think, oh, I'm so glad that came up. Because then you're, you're literally standing on ground that connects you much more to your power, your true self. And this is not woo woo stuff. It's just. Yeah, it's so easy that it's kind of pathetic, but it yeah, one of, one of my, it's a useful tool. Yeah. One of my interviewees, I interviewed him for my podcast, very interesting guy, was a producer of some famous movies, and he said, alignment is like having all the doors open that nothing's shut and there's no, detours. You just go straight through all the open doors.'cause it's easy. And that's what being your true self is to him. That you don't have to have an internal struggle or conflict. You just go, yeah, I'm doing this. Well, and, and I would add that if, if I, if I may. Yeah. I would add that, um, that to me also alignment is where that, I think Einstein said that we live with the optical delusion that we are separate from one another. Yes. And I think that when that veil drops and you realize where you are at one with the very person you thought literally was gonna take you down or was intent, when you become very clear how it could be that you are at one. There is a magic that happens. And if I may digress a little bit, but please, it sounds like, oh, well that's so idealistic. But if you take the worst case scenarios like Viktor Frankl or, um, Edith Eger more recently with her book, the Choice, who was in Auschwitz. Mm-hmm. And, following horrific, of course, horrific experience. And then. Uh, following, and then she becomes a clinical psychologist. She survives, of course, and she becomes very much instrumental in helping other people. And a judge got wind of that. And in her book The Choice, she describes how the judge asks, will you please see this kid who's a neo-Nazi, you know, activist? And well, you talk to him, and she sat with him and the first thing he said to her, and I can't, this was several years ago. She's 97 now, but mm-hmm. The first thing he said to her was, I hope all Jews die. And she said that her first reaction, because she's human, is how could he be so cruel? And this is a terrible person? And, and she said she allowed herself to have all those feelings. But then she asked herself, where am I the bigot? So instead of reacting and finding fault, she, she becomes at one with that human tendency to want to blame somebody. And it of course, that's in the extreme. Yeah. But it gives her so much power. And then what she did next was ask him, tell me more. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So, so often criticism is often projection. Oh yes, of course. Right? Yeah. So when I would feel. Hmm. You know, I went through some difficult marriages like you, and when I would feel like I was criticizing them and I go, where am I doing that? And then look at that. And that was very illuminating. Yeah. Right. So once you start accepting your own faults, then this criticism just goes away. And with that, then the clarity begins and one can set boundaries and realize, okay, well I, now I can choose, you know, I don't need to cooperate with this either. So Yeah, exactly. It's not complicated. It's not, it's not as super slick. Like no it's not. It's skip in the Roses. But there is a place of joy that comes from understanding that one has that much agency when it didn't appear to be the case. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So how can people find you? Do you have a website? Yes, it's phyllisolins.com or conflictcrunch.com or transcendingconflict.com. So choose your poison. Okay. I'll pick one and put it in the show notes. Okay, thank you. Okay, so thank you for sharing all your thoughts. These are wonderful, and I'm so thrilled to be having you on my show. Thanks, Ann. Yeah, you're welcome. Bye. Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of Break Free From the Burnout. If this conversation sparked a new way of thinking about conflict in your relationships, you'll find Phyllis's links and her upcoming book, The Conflict Crunch, How To Turn Conflict Into Opportunity in the show notes. And if you're ready to bring more harmony into your relationships, check out my free five step relationship healing protocol at scientifichealer.com forward slash relationship. Thank you for joining us on Break Free From the Burnout. Resources and show notes are available at www.breakfreefromtheburnout.com. Until next time, I'm Dr. Anastasia Chopelas, sending you gold healing light and success vibes to becoming aligned, confident, and prosperous. Your gifts are so needed in this world.